Seasons of Waiting
Lately, quite coincidentally, a lot of the YouTubers I watch almost everyday have been talking about seasons of waiting in their recent lives. Many of them, being the same age as me, have referred to the period in college when you don’t have great friends, and you feel lost and alone. The time when you don’t realize almost everyone around you is feeling the exact same way until just one person says it out loud. I went through that and I wrote about that. I never thought of it as a “season of waiting” until recently, but now looking back I’m realizing just how much it really was.
That was almost three years ago now and I can see and feel just how much I’ve grown from then. I have lifelong friendships and people who actually invest in my life. I have a boyfriend who I love beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. Everything that seemed so horrible and so dire then is practically insignificant now. I’m okay and I made it through that period so much stronger than I was when I went into it. I’m more mature, more secure in myself, and more sure of who I am now at this point in my life than I ever was. A lot has happened since my freshman year of college, good and bad, but I wouldn’t change any of it because it has brought me to where I am today.
Right now I know I am in another one of those “seasons of waiting.” I’m 20 years old (almost 21), three weeks away from being a senior in college, and I don’t know exactly what I want to do, where I want to be, or what direction I want my life to take. Part of me is excited about forging my own path and essentially getting to “choose my own adventure,” but most of me is terrified that I’m going to choose wrong and end up unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s scary not knowing my next steps. It’s scary not being able to plan ahead. I know I’ve written on here before about just how Type A I really am (very very very Type A), and not being able to see a clear future for myself is literally eating me alive. Although, like I said, I have learned a lot about myself in these past three years, I have also come to question so much of what I thought was my identity up to now. I don’t like uncertainty or the unknown. I like being able to visualize my future and make up scenarios in my head that I can fall asleep to with a smile on my face. Where I am right now in my life is absolutely terrifying.
After a lot of research and reading, I’ve come to understand that obviously there is a reason for this season that I am currently in (sorry, I really didn’t mean to rhyme). Sometimes the most uncomfortable periods in life lead you to greatness, and to people and places that in the future you could not imagine life without. I know that. It’s hard to genuinely get myself to believe that, but I do know it. Timing is truly everything and I know that I am not in control of that. I have to be still, be patient, and allow myself to grow in this period so that when it’s finally time to come out the other end, I will be ready.
This isn’t going to be a long post because I have three other 15 page papers to write and I admittedly don’t have the time. Honestly though, I doesn’t really need to be. I’m just here making an attempt to remind everyone that even though it’s utterly horrifying, uncertainty is okay and we’re not always meant to be comfortable. We (I) need to practice stillness and waiting, and allow ourselves to give up control. I guess it’s just another part of life we all have to get used to.